Who Let the Dogs Out!? (You did, douchebag)

Happy Valentines Day assholes!  Seriously, what an absolutely absurd holiday.  And, I know what you are all thinking...  "you just think that JON, because you don't have someone to share it with"  "you're just bitter because no one loves you", or "you heartless asshole, if it wasn't for your brilliant blog, I wouldn't know or care if you even EXISTED!"  Although all 3 of the above are correct, EVEN if I did have someone to "share" Valentines Day with, I'd still think that its an asinine holiday.  Candy, flowers, teddy bears?  WTF.  All day long at UPS for the past week, all I've done is deliver endless boxes of 1-800-FLOWERS, Pajama-grams, and stupid candy boxes.  All of which I undoubtedly took dumps on, and FIFA World Cupped (kicked) them to your door step.

Well, now that I've gotten the shit off my chest, I think its necessary to talk about something that has recently become a huge problem for me at UPS.  As the spring time approaches, I have short-shorts on the mind, and am actually pretty horny about the thought of warm weather.  This winter and all this snow has sucked Sasquatch's penis and I'm sooo ready to sport my UPS socks.  But, with warm weather, comes peoples' inability to use their brain when it comes to controlling the actions of their dogs.

As you all know, I am for the most part, a fearless ninja.  However, nothing brings my blood to a cold chill more than going about my UPS business, approaching a house, packages in hand, and hearing the jingle of dog tags, a barking dog, or the voice of a entirely overweight house wife.  All of which bring my good mood to a grinding halt.

I love dogs, don't get me wrong.  Dogs are great.  Chocolate labs, golden retrievers, boxers, and even muts, are all cool dogs to deal with.  They are fun, usually excited to see the UPS guy, and even sometimes stall me from working by having me throw the occasional frisbee or tennis ball a few times.  But if you own any of the following dogs, please parachute naked off the golden gate bridge:

Pit-bulls:  Why?  Why is owning these pieces of shit necessary?  "To protect my family!"  False.  Sir, you live in the suburbs of Massachusetts, not the ghettos of Brooklyn.  It is quite obvious that you own one of this breed to compensate for your lack of father growing up, or perhaps, lack of inches in the crotch-al region.

Rottweiler:  (see pitbulls)  Honestly, same thing.  These dogs are almost as bad if not worse than pit-bulls.  "But Jon, I rescued one of these from Michael Vicks basement!"  Good for you, a real model citizen.  Your dog just ate your infant son.

German Shepherd:  Some of this breed are exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, these are a mean breed and very territorial.  I have had to outrun more than one of these assholes as a UPS guy, but I have also been licked to death by many as well.  50/50 on this one, but for the sake of an argument, I'll have to say trade this model in.

Chihuahuas:  What a bitch to spell, and you're even more of a bitch if you own one.  Every Paris Hilton wannabe owns one of these douchebag dogs.  But do not let the size of them fool you, they'll bite you if given the chance, as will their owners.

Those stupid dogs that look like clumps of fur:  I don't even know what they're called, nor do I care. And the truth is these things are absolutely harmless, but why the hell would you ever own one of these things.  The ridicule alone is enough for you to hate yourself.

Now, with dogs comes a certain degree of responsibility.  A simple "beware of dog" sign is super, but honestly, if you have this sign nailed to a tree, 3 feet from your front door, its really not going to give me enough time to run.

See, God gave each of us one of two traits needed to survive.  Darwin recognized them as "fight or flight".  If you've even seen my stature, you know which one I'm using.  I look like Pinocchio, and can most likely outrun a Volkswagen Jetta (but then again, who cant), so needless to say, give me enough time to run away if your dog's gonna attack me.  Or, just be like any other normal person, and if your dog is an asshole, PUT HIM ON A FRIGGIN CHAIN!

Lastly, if you see the UPS guy at your door, and you consider yourself to be at least half smart, DO NOT open the door and let your dog see me.  I cannot stand the idiots that do this.  Or some stupid, freakin' idiot kid who just opens the door like a shithead, only to watch his dog attack me....asshole.

"Oh dont worry, he doesnt bite!"  -Every dumb bitch

Sure lady, he wont bite me, but what he WILL do is completely embarrass me by shoving his nose directly into my ball-sack, as I'm checking out your amazing rack.  Awesome....