Yes folks, it has been a whiles since my last blog, and yes, Stained does suck. But I'm back, and this time for good.
Six months ago, I abruptly stopped writing blogs. Why you may ask? Well, quite frankly, I hate the act of sitting down, and typing out my thoughts. I feel as if I cannot fully get out all of the sarcasm, crudeness, and complete and utter bullshit that goes on in my circus act of a mind. Typing slows this process down and thus, you, the reader, do not get the full helping of Newk that you deserve. Someone needs to buy me a "Dragon Speak" or whatever the hell its called.....
Anyways, it has been in fact, 6 months, and in that time a LOT has happened. Much of which I wished to have blogged about for your enjoyment. But, welp, I didnt. So I will sum in all up in the next few bullet points, and that will be followed by a new, complete blog that I hope will be the first of a long string of new articles for your enjoyment.
*I now am in a committed relationship to an absolutely wonderful girl
*I started shitting blood from my ass (I realize this is a complete U-turn from the first point, but hey, its my blog so shut it and read on)
*I went to the doctors to investigate stated bloody shit
*I was diagnosed with ulcerive colitis (If you hate someone, you should hope they get this someday)
*I watched an amazing Bruins' Stanley Cup victory
*I was suspended from UPS 2 more times
*Summer ended
*I decided to write a blog on how much I LOVE Halloween!
Halloween is one of those holidays that never gets old, no matter how old you get. Girls use it as an excuse to be a "Slutty........." Where the 'blank' represents an occupation they'll never hold due to their intelligence level (gender).
Slutty cops, nurses, lawyers, doctors, indians, cowboys, pirates, ninjas, fairies, construction workers, etc. They all take to the streets every Halloween. And men? Men love the holiday for the simple reason that they get to go out, get smashed and watch all of the slutty girls, in all of their spooky garb get drunk, and puke on themselves. Ahhh, the day of the dead.
What was my costume? Well, for your information, I am the same thing every year: A UPS guy. Yes, that's right. You all may know that it is my profession, but that doesnt mean everyone does. My "costume" is a hit every year at bars in Boston. Every shithead who puts on a Bruins jersey, a stupid wig/mask, or a T-shirt that says 'Hollister' on it as a costume looks at me and commends how awesome my threads are.
"Yo man, sick costume! A UPS guy! Hey Lance, come check this guy out!"
"Yes! That is ill, where did you get that?!"
I dont answer them, instead, I simply remind them that if they plan on successfully bringing home a girl tonight, they are going to have to do it illegally.
Working on Halloween night is a treat also. Driving around a brown truck through neighborhoods while kids and parents are trying to go house to house and get candy? Sounds like a smart business decision huh? Well, its not. In fact, its god damned impossible. You know how many kids I ran over this year?
Regardless, on Halloween night, I managed to consume 14 Kit Kats, 11 Snickers, 6 Milky Ways, and 8 Starbursts. That of course is the 'fun size', but still, enough to shit my pants for the next 12 hours.
Speaking of pieces of shit, kids on Halloween act like shitheads for no reason. They think they can just throw eggs at whatever they want just because of the holiday. And folks, my big brown UPS truck is always a desired target. But this year, I came prepared....
I took my break at my apartment around 2:30pm. I took this time to clean, test, and load my paintball gun. I then took to the streets, hoping to just successfully complete my job, and be on with my life. But, the kids in the mean streets of Bridgewater had other ideas.
I was driving down my last street of the night, 2 stops to go. As I began to slow down, I heard a 'thud' on the side of my truck. At first I thought I hit a branch, or perhaps ran a child over. But nope, it was worse...I had been egged.
I opened the bulkhead to my truck and grabbed my weapon. I slowly opened the side door to inspect the damage. As I turned the corner, there stood the culprits. A kid in a "Scream 3" (starring Nev Campbell) mask, and his partner in crime a kid in a jason mask. My first thoughts were "real original costumes douchebags". But my second thought was "let them make the first move".
And of course, they did. The shorter one made a pitiful attempt to throw an egg at me. It struck the ground probably 6 feet from where he threw it (pussy). His friend aimed for the truck, something he knew he could hit. He failed. They then reached for more ammunition. But it was WAY too late. I brought the paintball gun up to my hip and let off a few rounds. BOOM! I nailed the shorter ones stash of eggs and they explodes all over himself. I then took aim at his taller comrade. I hit him directly in the balls, bringing him to his knees. As the pussy, short one began to run, I fired off about 12 rounds, lighting up his back like a pink Christmas tree. Splat, splat, splat! He was screaming and crying as he ran. The kid who I shot in the nuts began to slowly get up, pleading for me not to shoot him again. I laughed and starting walking towards my delivery. After 2 steps, I turned and shot that kid again, with 5 shots or so nailing him in the side and shoulder. Victory.
Dont fuck with the UPS guy.
~ I realize that I have not written in a while, and there are probably numerous grammatical and spelling errors throughout this blog. Oh well, and if you dont like it, suck it.
Til next time comrades, ship it.
