Its not a mystery. WalMart sucks. Everything about that place make me cringe. The smell, the trash that shops there, the morons that work there, the smell, the shit on the shelves, the endless isles, the smell......
There is however, an allure that cannot be described. An incomprehesible feeling that is endured. What exactly IS WalMart? Yes shithead, I am aware that it is America's home to low prices, the smiling yellow face stickers, and 98% of employees without a high school diploma (dont hold me to that figure). But what exactly IS that place all about? Well, besides the endless "rolling back of prices", allow me to enlighten you...
As a UPS driver, I sometimes am forced to deliver to WalMart. A lot of what I see, is not easy on the eyes; LOTS of "baby-mamas" walking around, not a lot of "baby-daddies" however...I wonder why that is? (Sarcasm). A ton of people forced to work there, and by the looks on their faces, would rather enslavement on a deserted island. And to top it all off, endless isles of just SHIT...tons of SHIT. I mean, the place is just a landfill of America's garbage, items and humans, through and through.
Everyone however, including myself, must realize that Walmart has a special place in all of our hearts, especially college students, rednecks, Taunton trash, and the elderly. With all the dirt cheap prices, and incredible quality of product (shit) within the store itself, what's not to love about the place?? The answer, A FREAKIN' LOT.
Please, allow me the honor of taking you on a virtual tour of America's taint, more commonly known as WalMart.
Picture this now. You are pulling up to a faint blue building in your 86 Chevy Nova (you degenerate). You are about 17 and a half miles away from the front doors. You are surrounded by screaming children (we all know children are the plague of the world), the elderly (we've been over this), and rednecks (not real people). Nine out of 10 of them (me being the tenth), have a smile on their face as they approach. They are so excited to roll back prices on dogshit.
Upon entering you undboutedly encounter an incapacitated, 197 year old man or woman leaning on a walker. It is important to note that these lumps of shit are getting paid upwards of $15 per hour to say hello. Literally, THAT'S IT. Christ on a bike....It cannot be fathomed by me to understand that they make more money than most teenagers, spitting on Big Macs, get paid. And ALL they do is say the words hello and goodbye. It is ALSO important to note that 8 out of 10 times they cannot muster up the strength from their voice boxes, or even get the oxygen out of their respirator in time to do this task anyways. And what happens next? They place their gnarled, pale, wrinkled, old hands on your chest as they apply a smiley face sticker on you. It would be to my liking if every child bearing that sticker to be thrown from aircraft.
Next, you see his name everywhere, and on everything. Sam. I want to know who the HELL Sam is. Who is this guy? Well the REAL answer is he is some extremely rich dude, named Sam Walton, and he's off sipping on filtered placenta on his 785 foot boat somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle while umpa lumpas attend to each of his needs. But why is the Sam all we see on the Walmart products? Why is everything his choice? Sam's choice cookies, Sam's choice soda, Sam's choice pillows, Sam's choice vagasil, "Let SAM get the itch out!" Gross....
OH! And don't forget your McDonalds on the way out, because sure as shit, there are fast food restaurants within WalMart itself, holy shit! And your medication, right up at SAM's pharmacy! AND your eye-glasses? Yep! Got those too... Picture this now, grab yourself a Sam's choice happy meal, and from the pharmacy, your Sam's choice BIRTH CONTROL! WELL ladies, may as well name your kid fuckin' Sam, because I would NEVER put my sex life in the hands of a guy who sells cans of soda for 17 cents. Agreed?
OK, so you're all ready to check out. You've grabbed yourself some Sam's choice KY jelly, a box of Sam's condoms, a pair of Levi's default blue jeans (that smell just as bad as the guy who put them on the shelf), a prescription of oxi, and a Barry Manalow CD, (it is important to note that Walmart would rather sell guns and ammunition to 14 year olds in Marilyn Manson T-Shirts that hate jocks in school than carry good music). Next, you approach the check-out counter and are greeted by a red headed bitch who looks like someone threw a pizza at her face. After scanning your items, the 15 year old slam-pig (not an assumption) needs a manager to approve your check, Whatever....
So half an hour later, her "manager" walks over. This is not who you envisioned a manager to look like. Instead, you will most likely be greeted by a 18 year old, tool-shed of a kid wearing a dirty, ripped Metallica T-shirt. He is also sporting a "How may I make you smile today?" apron (eat glass, that would make me smile). Your check is obviously approved and you are free to go. Finally, get me the eff out of here...
Oops! Not quite! You are again greeted by, and told to have a good day by the corpse at the front door. He takes 17 breaths and eventually says "have a good day", you think...., and then proceeds to keel over and die. (It is also important to remember he broke his hip on the way down).
So, now you are miserable and would rather have sex with Rosie O'Donnell than ever enter that store again, and yes I said Rosie O'Donnell, I know. Just when you thought your luck could not get ANY worse, you are struck and killed by a Honda Civic being driven by a 20 year old Landscaper (that's his "career"). A gracious death if you ask me, considering you just came from a human wasteland.
And that folks concludes our tour, and I thank you for allowing me to be your virtual guide as we voyaged through Walmart! Now get out of my face. I need to shower just thinking about that place.
I am eating Sam's choice cookies while writing this, they taste like styrofome that had been up a donkey's ass for centuries
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Who Let the Dogs Out!? (You did, douchebag)
Happy Valentines Day assholes! Seriously, what an absolutely absurd holiday. And, I know what you are all thinking... "you just think that JON, because you don't have someone to share it with" "you're just bitter because no one loves you", or "you heartless asshole, if it wasn't for your brilliant blog, I wouldn't know or care if you even EXISTED!" Although all 3 of the above are correct, EVEN if I did have someone to "share" Valentines Day with, I'd still think that its an asinine holiday. Candy, flowers, teddy bears? WTF. All day long at UPS for the past week, all I've done is deliver endless boxes of 1-800-FLOWERS, Pajama-grams, and stupid candy boxes. All of which I undoubtedly took dumps on, and FIFA World Cupped (kicked) them to your door step.
Well, now that I've gotten the shit off my chest, I think its necessary to talk about something that has recently become a huge problem for me at UPS. As the spring time approaches, I have short-shorts on the mind, and am actually pretty horny about the thought of warm weather. This winter and all this snow has sucked Sasquatch's penis and I'm sooo ready to sport my UPS socks. But, with warm weather, comes peoples' inability to use their brain when it comes to controlling the actions of their dogs.
As you all know, I am for the most part, a fearless ninja. However, nothing brings my blood to a cold chill more than going about my UPS business, approaching a house, packages in hand, and hearing the jingle of dog tags, a barking dog, or the voice of a entirely overweight house wife. All of which bring my good mood to a grinding halt.
I love dogs, don't get me wrong. Dogs are great. Chocolate labs, golden retrievers, boxers, and even muts, are all cool dogs to deal with. They are fun, usually excited to see the UPS guy, and even sometimes stall me from working by having me throw the occasional frisbee or tennis ball a few times. But if you own any of the following dogs, please parachute naked off the golden gate bridge:
Pit-bulls: Why? Why is owning these pieces of shit necessary? "To protect my family!" False. Sir, you live in the suburbs of Massachusetts, not the ghettos of Brooklyn. It is quite obvious that you own one of this breed to compensate for your lack of father growing up, or perhaps, lack of inches in the crotch-al region.
Rottweiler: (see pitbulls) Honestly, same thing. These dogs are almost as bad if not worse than pit-bulls. "But Jon, I rescued one of these from Michael Vicks basement!" Good for you, a real model citizen. Your dog just ate your infant son.
German Shepherd: Some of this breed are exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, these are a mean breed and very territorial. I have had to outrun more than one of these assholes as a UPS guy, but I have also been licked to death by many as well. 50/50 on this one, but for the sake of an argument, I'll have to say trade this model in.
Chihuahuas: What a bitch to spell, and you're even more of a bitch if you own one. Every Paris Hilton wannabe owns one of these douchebag dogs. But do not let the size of them fool you, they'll bite you if given the chance, as will their owners.
Those stupid dogs that look like clumps of fur: I don't even know what they're called, nor do I care. And the truth is these things are absolutely harmless, but why the hell would you ever own one of these things. The ridicule alone is enough for you to hate yourself.
Now, with dogs comes a certain degree of responsibility. A simple "beware of dog" sign is super, but honestly, if you have this sign nailed to a tree, 3 feet from your front door, its really not going to give me enough time to run.
See, God gave each of us one of two traits needed to survive. Darwin recognized them as "fight or flight". If you've even seen my stature, you know which one I'm using. I look like Pinocchio, and can most likely outrun a Volkswagen Jetta (but then again, who cant), so needless to say, give me enough time to run away if your dog's gonna attack me. Or, just be like any other normal person, and if your dog is an asshole, PUT HIM ON A FRIGGIN CHAIN!
Lastly, if you see the UPS guy at your door, and you consider yourself to be at least half smart, DO NOT open the door and let your dog see me. I cannot stand the idiots that do this. Or some stupid, freakin' idiot kid who just opens the door like a shithead, only to watch his dog attack me....asshole.
"Oh dont worry, he doesnt bite!" -Every dumb bitch
Sure lady, he wont bite me, but what he WILL do is completely embarrass me by shoving his nose directly into my ball-sack, as I'm checking out your amazing rack. Awesome....
Well, now that I've gotten the shit off my chest, I think its necessary to talk about something that has recently become a huge problem for me at UPS. As the spring time approaches, I have short-shorts on the mind, and am actually pretty horny about the thought of warm weather. This winter and all this snow has sucked Sasquatch's penis and I'm sooo ready to sport my UPS socks. But, with warm weather, comes peoples' inability to use their brain when it comes to controlling the actions of their dogs.
As you all know, I am for the most part, a fearless ninja. However, nothing brings my blood to a cold chill more than going about my UPS business, approaching a house, packages in hand, and hearing the jingle of dog tags, a barking dog, or the voice of a entirely overweight house wife. All of which bring my good mood to a grinding halt.
I love dogs, don't get me wrong. Dogs are great. Chocolate labs, golden retrievers, boxers, and even muts, are all cool dogs to deal with. They are fun, usually excited to see the UPS guy, and even sometimes stall me from working by having me throw the occasional frisbee or tennis ball a few times. But if you own any of the following dogs, please parachute naked off the golden gate bridge:
Pit-bulls: Why? Why is owning these pieces of shit necessary? "To protect my family!" False. Sir, you live in the suburbs of Massachusetts, not the ghettos of Brooklyn. It is quite obvious that you own one of this breed to compensate for your lack of father growing up, or perhaps, lack of inches in the crotch-al region.
Rottweiler: (see pitbulls) Honestly, same thing. These dogs are almost as bad if not worse than pit-bulls. "But Jon, I rescued one of these from Michael Vicks basement!" Good for you, a real model citizen. Your dog just ate your infant son.
German Shepherd: Some of this breed are exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, these are a mean breed and very territorial. I have had to outrun more than one of these assholes as a UPS guy, but I have also been licked to death by many as well. 50/50 on this one, but for the sake of an argument, I'll have to say trade this model in.
Chihuahuas: What a bitch to spell, and you're even more of a bitch if you own one. Every Paris Hilton wannabe owns one of these douchebag dogs. But do not let the size of them fool you, they'll bite you if given the chance, as will their owners.
Those stupid dogs that look like clumps of fur: I don't even know what they're called, nor do I care. And the truth is these things are absolutely harmless, but why the hell would you ever own one of these things. The ridicule alone is enough for you to hate yourself.
Now, with dogs comes a certain degree of responsibility. A simple "beware of dog" sign is super, but honestly, if you have this sign nailed to a tree, 3 feet from your front door, its really not going to give me enough time to run.
See, God gave each of us one of two traits needed to survive. Darwin recognized them as "fight or flight". If you've even seen my stature, you know which one I'm using. I look like Pinocchio, and can most likely outrun a Volkswagen Jetta (but then again, who cant), so needless to say, give me enough time to run away if your dog's gonna attack me. Or, just be like any other normal person, and if your dog is an asshole, PUT HIM ON A FRIGGIN CHAIN!
Lastly, if you see the UPS guy at your door, and you consider yourself to be at least half smart, DO NOT open the door and let your dog see me. I cannot stand the idiots that do this. Or some stupid, freakin' idiot kid who just opens the door like a shithead, only to watch his dog attack me....asshole.
"Oh dont worry, he doesnt bite!" -Every dumb bitch
Sure lady, he wont bite me, but what he WILL do is completely embarrass me by shoving his nose directly into my ball-sack, as I'm checking out your amazing rack. Awesome....
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