Roll Back This...Bitch

Its not a mystery.  WalMart sucks.  Everything about that place make me cringe.  The smell, the trash that shops there, the morons that work there, the smell, the shit on the shelves, the endless isles, the smell......


There is however, an allure that cannot be described. An incomprehesible feeling that is endured. What exactly IS WalMart? Yes shithead, I am aware that it is America's home to low prices, the smiling yellow face stickers, and 98% of employees without a high school diploma (dont hold me to that figure). But what exactly IS that place all about? Well, besides the endless "rolling back of prices", allow me to enlighten you... 


As a UPS driver, I sometimes am forced to deliver to WalMart.  A lot of what I see, is not easy on the eyes;  LOTS of "baby-mamas" walking around, not a lot of "baby-daddies" however...I wonder why that is?  (Sarcasm).  A ton of people forced to work there, and by the looks on their faces, would rather enslavement on a deserted island.  And to top it all off, endless isles of just SHIT...tons of SHIT.  I mean, the place is just a landfill of America's  garbage, items and humans, through and through.

Everyone however, including myself, must realize that Walmart has a special place in all of our hearts, especially college students, rednecks, Taunton trash, and the elderly. With all the dirt cheap prices, and incredible quality of product (shit) within the store itself, what's not to love about the place?? The answer, A FREAKIN' LOT.

Please, allow me the honor of taking you on a virtual tour of America's taint, more commonly known as WalMart.

Picture this now. You are pulling up to a faint blue building in your 86 Chevy Nova (you degenerate). You are about 17 and a half miles away from the front doors. You are surrounded by screaming children (we all know children are the plague of the world), the elderly (we've been over this), and rednecks (not real people). Nine out of 10 of them (me being the tenth), have a smile on their face as they approach. They are so excited to roll back prices on dogshit.

Upon entering you undboutedly encounter an incapacitated, 197 year old man or woman leaning on a walker. It is important to note that these lumps of shit are getting paid upwards of $15 per hour to say hello.  Literally, THAT'S IT.  Christ on a bike....It cannot be fathomed by me to understand that they make more money than most teenagers, spitting on Big Macs, get paid.  And ALL they do is say the words hello and goodbye. It is ALSO important to note that 8 out of 10 times they cannot muster up the strength from their voice boxes, or even get the oxygen out of their respirator in time to do this task anyways. And what happens next? They place their gnarled, pale, wrinkled, old hands on your chest as they apply a smiley face sticker on you. It would be to my liking if every child bearing that sticker to be thrown from aircraft.

Next, you see his name everywhere, and on everything.  Sam.  I want to know who the HELL Sam is. Who is this guy? Well the REAL answer is he is some extremely rich dude, named Sam Walton, and he's off sipping on filtered placenta on his 785 foot boat somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle while umpa lumpas attend to each of his needs. But why is the Sam all we see on the Walmart products? Why is everything his choice? Sam's choice cookies, Sam's choice soda, Sam's choice pillows, Sam's choice vagasil, "Let SAM get the itch out!" Gross....

OH! And don't forget your McDonalds on the way out, because sure as shit, there are fast food restaurants within WalMart itself, holy shit! And your medication, right up at SAM's pharmacy!  AND your eye-glasses? Yep!  Got those too...  Picture this now, grab yourself a Sam's choice happy meal, and from the pharmacy, your Sam's choice BIRTH CONTROL! WELL ladies, may as well name your kid fuckin' Sam, because I would NEVER put my sex life in the hands of a guy who sells cans of soda for 17 cents. Agreed?

OK, so you're all ready to check out.  You've grabbed yourself some Sam's choice KY jelly, a box of Sam's condoms, a pair of Levi's default blue jeans (that smell just as bad as the guy who put them on the shelf), a prescription of oxi, and a Barry Manalow CD, (it is important to note that Walmart would rather sell guns and ammunition to 14 year olds in Marilyn Manson T-Shirts that hate jocks in school than carry good music).  Next, you approach the check-out counter and are greeted by a red headed bitch who looks like someone threw a pizza at her face. After scanning your items, the 15 year old slam-pig (not an assumption) needs a manager to approve your check, Whatever....

So half an hour later, her "manager" walks over. This is not who you envisioned a manager to look like. Instead, you will most likely be greeted by a 18 year old, tool-shed of a kid wearing a dirty, ripped Metallica T-shirt. He is also sporting a "How may I make you smile today?" apron (eat glass, that would make me smile).  Your check is obviously approved and you are free to go. Finally, get me the eff out of here...

Oops! Not quite! You are again greeted by, and told to have a good day by the corpse at the front door. He takes 17 breaths and eventually says "have a good day", you think...., and then proceeds to keel over and die. (It is also important to remember he broke his hip on the way down).

So, now you are miserable and would rather have sex with Rosie O'Donnell than ever enter that store again, and yes I said Rosie O'Donnell, I know. Just when you thought your luck could not get ANY worse, you are struck and killed by a Honda Civic being driven by a 20 year old Landscaper (that's his "career").  A gracious death if you ask me, considering you just came from a human wasteland.

And that folks concludes our tour, and I thank you for allowing me to be your virtual guide as we voyaged through Walmart!  Now get out of my face. I need to shower just thinking about that place.

I am eating Sam's choice cookies while writing this, they taste like styrofome that had been up a donkey's ass for centuries