"I love my job because I get to meet new and interesting people everyday!" -Anon. Douche
How many times have you heard someone say that line to you about their jobs? If you're like me, the answer is one too many. As a UPS driver I too get to meet new people everyday. The only difference is the people I meet are not interesting. In fact, they are not even remotely worth writing about. But for the sake of a blog, I am going to anyways. Sure, there are some "decent" people out there, even some that I would say I "like" delivering to. But for the most part, the people I deal with are awful. Mostly horrendous drivers, complete assholes, and money hungry, gold-digging bitch-ass housewives. (Perhaps an "over the top" description, but very accurate)
In this post, I will describe, in complete and utter detail, the top 3 "awful groups of people" I get the wretched privilege of dealing with on a day to day basis as a UPS driver. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, so please, if you fall into one of these categories and wanna say something like: "I am a middle aged woman, and I drive, and I think I am a great driver!"...its probably better off that you don't fight it. First off, these are my opinions, not yours, and also, be realistic, you are a woman, and if you ask any man, not just myself, you will unanimously get the same response. "Nope, you're not a great driver, at all."
Middle-Aged Women: I already openned this can of worms, so I may as well piss all of you ladies off at the same time, and right off the bat. Women, ages 33-49 are the worst of the worst on the road. Complete disregard for general rules of the road, and basic inability to understand that you share the road with others are the roots to the problem. Almost always are their hands equipped with a Dunkin' Latte and a Blackberry. These ignorant "ladies" are the first to give me that "OMGZZ UPS guy, why are youz allz oversz the roadsssss", when in fact it is them, talking to their non-husband fuck buddies on the phone, drinking their extra foamy latee with 3 Splenda and skim milk, accompanied by 4 screaming children in the back seat; whom are all over the road. I pull up to their houses, delivering endless boxes of shoes from Zappos (most likely purchased with their husband's hard earned money), and I'm very lucky if I get anything close to resembling a "thank you".
These women most likely drive enormous SUV's such as Expeditions, Escalades, Land Rovers, etc. Spoiled bitches. Not to mention they are the MOST RUDE out of everyone in today's list.
PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
The Elderly: A very close second place on the list of horrendous people. Can be spotted easily on the road if you look for a few key characteristics on their vehicle. Green liscense plates are a big giveaway. These plates were issued until approximately 1989, which means they mostly likely have put about 10,000 miles on their Buick/Cadillac since then. Also I look for stuffed animals and/or a tissue box in the back window. These are also items notoriously present within the vehicles of elderly people.
We've all dealt with them. The elderly, ughhh. You are late, for work, class, a bachelor party, yoga (see above if this is the case) and what happens? You get stuck, all of a sudden, screaming down route 104 at a whopping 27 miles per hour. You look up, in complete aggrivation to see a green liscense plate and the latest edition of beanie babies staring out at you. You look to see the driver; but you see nothing because their head doesnt clear the top of the seat. You've been caught behind the elderly, poor fellow.
This always seems to happen to me at UPS. I have 12-15 NDAs to deliver, and almost always I get stuck behind one of these driving Q-tips (a reference to their white hair, always permed). I often wonder how they are still able to drive.... It must be those sunglasses they wear. You know, the big black ones that fit over their perscription glasses. They put the Terminator's to shame. Do you think that they are virtual reality glasses that give the elderly the impression that they are driving like, the speed limit? Doubtful, they look obnoxious.
Landscapers/Plow Drivers- These douchebags share a category. Why? Because they are usually the same person. "I cant rake leaves or mow lawns, so I may as well plow snow to earn money to support my drinking, drug, and wife-beating habits."
I hate delivering to a stop where there are landscapers present. They have no parking ability whatsoever. They take up both lanes and drive around on their mowers, weaving in and out of the road, expecting someone like me to not hit them. If I wouldnt get fired I totally would. Just crank up the radio, stick the truck in 4th gear, and just plow right over that cut-off-sleeve shirt wearing freak.
These guys almost always have something "funny" to say to me when I walk up to deliever the package. I dont laugh. I dont even crack a smile. Usually the reference my uniform. Yes sir, I get it, my shorts are very short, and I know I look like pinnochio in my uniform.
Its ok though, I always respond with the same thing.
Landscaper: "Hah, nice shorts"
Me: "Hah, nice paycheck" [Nice life too pal, I'm sure your wife and kids love you coming home, smelling like dogshit, and covered in beer, sweat, and semen. I may look like a tool, but I have benefits that involve more than a 30 rack of Miller High Life and handjob from the Brazillian your boss hired for 70 cents a day.] Man I wish I had the balls to say that.
That, my friends, is a list of the top three "worst of the worst" people I deal with day-to-day. I hope that if you are one of these people, or know someone who is like this, you encourage them to bungee jump without a rope, or just tell them to respect the UPS guy. Either one would make me smile.
Stay tuned as we will take an adventure into the world of Sex Toys and the wonderful shitstorm that is Brockton in upcoming posts. Hope you enjoy, and as always, comments and suggestions are welcome!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Without Further Due...
There are a lot of firsts in life....
The first time you crawl.
The first time you speak a word.
The first time you take a step.
The first time you learn to eat without vomiting on yourself and others.
The first time you go to school.
The first time you jerk off, then realize you just pissed all over yourself.
The first time you interact with the opposite sex.
The first time you have sex.
The first time you have sex, and its not with your hand....
You get the point.
Well this ladies and gentlemen, will be the first time you get an inside look at me, Jon Newcomb, and the trials and tribulations that come with being a "UPS guy". Yep, that's me. The man in brown. The guy delivering your clothes, coffee, IKEA brand furniture, lamps, cell phones, sex toys, and of course, joy and happiness. The same guy most likely banging your wife and/or girlfriend while you are work, assuming she's doing the same.
I think its first important to get some simple housekeeping out of the way. By housekeeping, I mean there are going to be a few things that you need to know before venturing any further into reading this blog. They are as follows:
1. Disclaimer. I speak my mind, everything that crosses it. In fact, I lack what most would call an "internal filter". Therefore it is important to say this; Not everything you read in this blog is going to make you smile. Some of it may in fact anger you, make you uncomfortable, make you think awful think I'm an awful person, and outright cause you to "x" out the window on your computer console. On the other hand, and which will most likely be the case, you will be in tears caused from extreme laughter, you certainly will "LOL", "ROFL", and maybe even "brb" because you literally pissed yourself.
With that said, I say this; nobody is making you read this except for yourself. You do not have to read this, and you do not have to encourage others to do the same. All comments and feedback are welcome, but remember, if you comment, you are open to any ridicule, and/or berating that might entail. Remember, as Newton once said, "every action causes and equal and opposite reaction". I'm sure that does not apply here, but fuck it, it makes me feel smart.
2. Glossary. There are certain terms and abbreviations that I will use throughout this blog that you must learn now in order to fully enjoy the "Jon Newcomb Experience". A lot of them are UPS terms that apply to the everyday job, and some are just a few I may or may not use to save myself time and energy to type them all out. Some of them are as follows:
UPS - The company I work for. United Parcel Service. What can brown do for you? Yep, you've all heard of us, but never like this before....
NDA- "Next Day Air". These are priority packages that I must deliver before 10:30am each and every day....you're welcome.
Browns- A term used to describe the uniform that makes me look extremely sexy, and totally "do-able". The phrase "brown up" is used to describe "putting on the uniform". Pretty simple.
MILF- (see American Pie, the movie)
DFU- Driver Follow Up. When people do not receive a package that I deliver, one of these is issued. The person most likely had the package stolen, or stole it themselves because they are degenerate assholes. They may also be too lazy and/or fat to check their side or rear door, as opposed to the front door. All are options to where the package could have been delivered.
Suits- I use this term to describe anyone who is a boss in the company. (See also, asshole, scumbag, or douche).
Brockton- Where UPS is located. I may also call this place "Brown Town" or "Hell".
Taunton- God's shit-stain.
Other words may come up in the writing of this blog, but hopefully this is a good start for you all.
3. I'm not perfect. I may misspell, mistype, have bad grammar, etc. If you are going to criticize me on any of those things, GFY.
I guess that's it for housekeeping measures.
Now, the purpose of this blog is not to simply "blog" about my day to day work. That would be incredibly boring and those blogs are reserved for Hot Topic shoppers and Emo music fans with more scars up their wrists than friends. This blog is going to highlight events that have happened to me at work as well as some hysterical anecdotes of my life in general.
Also, I should mention this. Not everything you are going to read in this blog is true. Some of what you will read will be based off of actual events that I have exaggerated completely in my Eff-ed up brain for your reading pleasure.
I will also, in some cases supply you with actual conversations that I have had at work with Suits, other drivers, customers, etc. In these dialogs, what is actually said will be highlighted by standard quotations. IE "____". What is NOT actually said, but what I wish was said will be highlighted by brackets. IE {_______}.
For example, I delivered some Victorias Secret to a MILF on my route. Here's what was said:
MILF - "Hi Jon, how are you today?" {....you sexy piece of UPS ass...}
Me- "I'm great! how are you?" {I'm completely erect as of right now}
MILF- "Well thanks for the delivery, have a good day" {Why dont you come in and help me try on my new outfit. We can then follow that up with some hot sex and I'll make you dinner while you play online poker on my computer. I'll be naked the entire time.}
Me- "You too, have a great weekend." {I would love to! I cannot wait to see you completely naked, meanwhile having your husband NEVER walk in or find out, for he is 10 times my size and a completely jacked alcoholic who would destroy me limb by limb}
A very simple example, but you get the point.
So folks, thats all I got for now, but stay tuned, for there is a LOT more to explore as you follow me and experience The View From My Short-shorts....
.....Also, please send this link to your friends, family, and anyone else you think would enjoy it! I'm always open to questions, comments, and suggestions. Hope you enjoy.
-Jonny Newk
The first time you crawl.
The first time you speak a word.
The first time you take a step.
The first time you learn to eat without vomiting on yourself and others.
The first time you go to school.
The first time you jerk off, then realize you just pissed all over yourself.
The first time you interact with the opposite sex.
The first time you have sex.
The first time you have sex, and its not with your hand....
You get the point.
Well this ladies and gentlemen, will be the first time you get an inside look at me, Jon Newcomb, and the trials and tribulations that come with being a "UPS guy". Yep, that's me. The man in brown. The guy delivering your clothes, coffee, IKEA brand furniture, lamps, cell phones, sex toys, and of course, joy and happiness. The same guy most likely banging your wife and/or girlfriend while you are work, assuming she's doing the same.
I think its first important to get some simple housekeeping out of the way. By housekeeping, I mean there are going to be a few things that you need to know before venturing any further into reading this blog. They are as follows:
1. Disclaimer. I speak my mind, everything that crosses it. In fact, I lack what most would call an "internal filter". Therefore it is important to say this; Not everything you read in this blog is going to make you smile. Some of it may in fact anger you, make you uncomfortable, make you think awful think I'm an awful person, and outright cause you to "x" out the window on your computer console. On the other hand, and which will most likely be the case, you will be in tears caused from extreme laughter, you certainly will "LOL", "ROFL", and maybe even "brb" because you literally pissed yourself.
With that said, I say this; nobody is making you read this except for yourself. You do not have to read this, and you do not have to encourage others to do the same. All comments and feedback are welcome, but remember, if you comment, you are open to any ridicule, and/or berating that might entail. Remember, as Newton once said, "every action causes and equal and opposite reaction". I'm sure that does not apply here, but fuck it, it makes me feel smart.
2. Glossary. There are certain terms and abbreviations that I will use throughout this blog that you must learn now in order to fully enjoy the "Jon Newcomb Experience". A lot of them are UPS terms that apply to the everyday job, and some are just a few I may or may not use to save myself time and energy to type them all out. Some of them are as follows:
UPS - The company I work for. United Parcel Service. What can brown do for you? Yep, you've all heard of us, but never like this before....
NDA- "Next Day Air". These are priority packages that I must deliver before 10:30am each and every day....you're welcome.
Browns- A term used to describe the uniform that makes me look extremely sexy, and totally "do-able". The phrase "brown up" is used to describe "putting on the uniform". Pretty simple.
MILF- (see American Pie, the movie)
DFU- Driver Follow Up. When people do not receive a package that I deliver, one of these is issued. The person most likely had the package stolen, or stole it themselves because they are degenerate assholes. They may also be too lazy and/or fat to check their side or rear door, as opposed to the front door. All are options to where the package could have been delivered.
Suits- I use this term to describe anyone who is a boss in the company. (See also, asshole, scumbag, or douche).
Brockton- Where UPS is located. I may also call this place "Brown Town" or "Hell".
Taunton- God's shit-stain.
Other words may come up in the writing of this blog, but hopefully this is a good start for you all.
3. I'm not perfect. I may misspell, mistype, have bad grammar, etc. If you are going to criticize me on any of those things, GFY.
I guess that's it for housekeeping measures.
Now, the purpose of this blog is not to simply "blog" about my day to day work. That would be incredibly boring and those blogs are reserved for Hot Topic shoppers and Emo music fans with more scars up their wrists than friends. This blog is going to highlight events that have happened to me at work as well as some hysterical anecdotes of my life in general.
Also, I should mention this. Not everything you are going to read in this blog is true. Some of what you will read will be based off of actual events that I have exaggerated completely in my Eff-ed up brain for your reading pleasure.
I will also, in some cases supply you with actual conversations that I have had at work with Suits, other drivers, customers, etc. In these dialogs, what is actually said will be highlighted by standard quotations. IE "____". What is NOT actually said, but what I wish was said will be highlighted by brackets. IE {_______}.
For example, I delivered some Victorias Secret to a MILF on my route. Here's what was said:
MILF - "Hi Jon, how are you today?" {....you sexy piece of UPS ass...}
Me- "I'm great! how are you?" {I'm completely erect as of right now}
MILF- "Well thanks for the delivery, have a good day" {Why dont you come in and help me try on my new outfit. We can then follow that up with some hot sex and I'll make you dinner while you play online poker on my computer. I'll be naked the entire time.}
Me- "You too, have a great weekend." {I would love to! I cannot wait to see you completely naked, meanwhile having your husband NEVER walk in or find out, for he is 10 times my size and a completely jacked alcoholic who would destroy me limb by limb}
A very simple example, but you get the point.
So folks, thats all I got for now, but stay tuned, for there is a LOT more to explore as you follow me and experience The View From My Short-shorts....
.....Also, please send this link to your friends, family, and anyone else you think would enjoy it! I'm always open to questions, comments, and suggestions. Hope you enjoy.
-Jonny Newk
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