Without Further Due...

There are a lot of firsts in life....

The first time you crawl.
The first time you speak a word.
The first time you take a step.
The first time you learn to eat without vomiting on yourself and others.
The first time you go to school.
The first time you jerk off, then realize you just pissed all over yourself.
The first time you interact with the opposite sex.
The first time you have sex.
The first time you have sex, and its not with your hand....

You get the point.

Well this ladies and gentlemen, will be the first time you get an inside look at me, Jon Newcomb, and the trials and tribulations that come with being a "UPS guy".  Yep, that's me.  The man in brown.  The guy delivering your clothes, coffee, IKEA brand furniture, lamps, cell phones, sex toys, and of course, joy and happiness.  The same guy most likely banging your wife and/or girlfriend while you are work, assuming she's doing the same.

I think its first important to get some simple housekeeping out of the way.  By housekeeping, I mean there are going to be a few things that you need to know before venturing any further into reading this blog.  They are as follows:

1.  Disclaimer.  I speak my mind, everything that crosses it.  In fact, I lack what most would call an "internal filter".  Therefore it is important to say this;  Not everything you read in this blog is going to make you smile.  Some of it may in fact anger you, make you uncomfortable, make you think awful think I'm an awful person, and outright cause you to "x" out the window on your computer console.  On the other hand, and which will most likely be the case, you will be in tears caused from extreme laughter,   you certainly will "LOL", "ROFL", and maybe even "brb" because you literally pissed yourself.

With that said, I say this;  nobody is making you read this except for yourself.  You do not have to read this, and you do not have to encourage others to do the same.   All comments and feedback are welcome, but remember, if you comment, you are open to any ridicule, and/or berating that might entail.  Remember, as Newton once said, "every action causes and equal and opposite reaction".  I'm sure that does not apply here, but fuck it, it makes me feel smart.

2.  Glossary.  There are certain terms and abbreviations that I will use throughout this blog that you must learn now in order to fully enjoy the "Jon Newcomb Experience".  A lot of them are UPS terms that apply to the everyday job, and some are just a few I may or may not use to save myself time and energy to type them all out.  Some of them are as follows:

UPS - The company I work for.  United Parcel Service.  What can brown do for you?  Yep, you've all heard of us, but never like this before....

NDA- "Next Day Air".  These are priority packages that I must deliver before 10:30am each and every day....you're welcome.

Browns-  A term used to describe the uniform that makes me look extremely sexy, and totally "do-able". The phrase "brown up" is used to describe "putting on the uniform".  Pretty simple.

MILF- (see American Pie, the movie)

DFU-  Driver Follow Up.  When people do not receive a package that I deliver, one of these is issued.  The person most likely had the package stolen, or stole it themselves because they are degenerate assholes.  They may also be too lazy and/or fat to check their side or rear door, as opposed to the front door.  All are options to where the package could have been delivered.

Suits-  I use this term to describe anyone who is a boss in the company.  (See also, asshole, scumbag, or douche).

Brockton-  Where UPS is located.  I may also call this place "Brown Town" or "Hell".

Taunton-  God's shit-stain.

Other words may come up in the writing of this blog, but hopefully this is a good start for you all.

3.  I'm not perfect.  I may misspell, mistype, have bad grammar, etc.  If you are going to criticize me on any of those things, GFY.

I guess that's it for housekeeping measures.

Now, the purpose of this blog is not to simply "blog" about my day to day work.  That would be incredibly boring and those blogs are reserved for Hot Topic shoppers and Emo music fans with more scars up their wrists than friends.  This blog is going to highlight events that have happened to me at work as well as some hysterical anecdotes of my life in general.

Also, I should mention this.  Not everything you are going to read in this blog is true.  Some of what you will read will be based off of actual events that I have exaggerated completely in my Eff-ed up brain for your reading pleasure.

I will also, in some cases supply you with actual conversations that I have had at work with Suits, other drivers, customers, etc.  In these dialogs, what is actually said will be highlighted by standard quotations. IE "____".  What is NOT actually said, but what I wish was said will be highlighted by brackets. IE {_______}.

For example,  I delivered some Victorias Secret to a MILF on my route.  Here's what was said:

MILF - "Hi Jon, how are you today?"  {....you sexy piece of UPS ass...}

Me-  "I'm great! how are you?"  {I'm completely erect as of right now}

MILF-  "Well thanks for the delivery, have a good day" {Why dont you come in and help me try on my new outfit.  We can then follow that up with some hot sex and I'll make you dinner while you play online poker on my computer.  I'll be naked the entire time.}

Me-  "You too, have a great weekend."  {I would love to!  I cannot wait to see you completely naked, meanwhile having your husband NEVER walk in or find out, for he is 10 times my size and a completely jacked alcoholic who would destroy me limb by limb}

A very simple example, but you get the point.


So folks, thats all I got for now, but stay tuned, for there is a LOT more to explore as you follow me and experience The View From My Short-shorts....

.....Also, please send this link to your friends, family, and anyone else you think would enjoy it!  I'm always open to questions, comments, and suggestions.  Hope you enjoy.

-Jonny Newk