You're "Driving" Me Insane

"I love my job because I get to meet new and interesting people everyday!"  -Anon. Douche

How many times have you heard someone say that line to you about their jobs?  If you're like me, the answer is one too many.  As a UPS driver I too get to meet new people everyday.  The only difference is the people I meet are not interesting.  In fact, they are not even remotely worth writing about.  But for the sake of a blog, I am going to anyways.  Sure, there are some "decent" people out there, even some that I would say I "like" delivering to.  But for the most part, the people I deal with are awful.  Mostly horrendous drivers, complete assholes, and money hungry, gold-digging bitch-ass housewives.  (Perhaps an "over the top" description, but very accurate)

In this post, I will describe, in complete and utter detail, the top 3 "awful groups of people" I get the wretched privilege of dealing with on a day to day basis as a UPS driver.  Of course there are exceptions to every rule, so please, if you fall into one of these categories and wanna say something like:  "I am a middle aged woman, and I drive, and I think I am a great driver!"...its probably better off that you don't fight it.  First off, these are my opinions, not yours, and also, be realistic, you are a woman, and if you ask any man, not just myself, you will unanimously get the same response.  "Nope, you're not a great driver, at all."

Middle-Aged Women:  I already openned this can of worms, so I may as well piss all of you ladies off at the same time, and right off the bat.  Women, ages 33-49 are the worst of the worst on the road.  Complete disregard for general rules of the road, and basic inability to understand that you share the road with others are the roots to the problem.  Almost always are their hands equipped with a Dunkin' Latte and a Blackberry.  These ignorant "ladies" are the first to give me that "OMGZZ UPS guy, why are youz allz oversz the roadsssss", when in fact it is them, talking to their non-husband fuck buddies on the phone, drinking their extra foamy latee with 3 Splenda and skim milk, accompanied by 4 screaming children in the back seat; whom are all over the road.  I pull up to their houses, delivering endless boxes of shoes from Zappos (most likely purchased with their husband's hard earned money), and I'm very lucky if I get anything close to resembling a "thank you". 

These women most likely drive enormous SUV's such as Expeditions, Escalades, Land Rovers, etc.  Spoiled bitches.  Not to mention they are the MOST RUDE out of everyone in today's list.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

The Elderly:  A very close second place on the list of horrendous people.  Can be spotted easily on the road if you look for a few key characteristics on their vehicle.  Green liscense plates are a big giveaway.  These plates were issued until approximately 1989, which means they mostly likely have put about 10,000 miles on their Buick/Cadillac since then.  Also I look for stuffed animals and/or a tissue box in the back window.  These are also items notoriously present within the vehicles of elderly people.

We've all dealt with them.  The elderly, ughhh.  You are late, for work, class, a bachelor party, yoga (see above if this is the case) and what happens?  You get stuck, all of a sudden, screaming down route 104 at a whopping 27 miles per hour.  You look up, in complete aggrivation to see a green liscense plate and the latest edition of beanie babies staring out at you.  You look to see the driver;  but you see nothing because their head doesnt clear the top of the seat.  You've been caught behind the elderly, poor fellow. 

This always seems to happen to me at UPS.  I have 12-15 NDAs to deliver, and almost always I get stuck behind one of these driving Q-tips (a reference to their white hair, always permed).  I often wonder how they are still able to drive....  It must be those sunglasses they wear.  You know, the big black ones that fit over their perscription glasses.  They put the Terminator's to shame.  Do you think that they are virtual reality glasses that give the elderly the impression that they are driving like, the speed limit?  Doubtful, they look obnoxious.

Landscapers/Plow Drivers-  These douchebags share a category.  Why?  Because they are usually the same person.  "I cant rake leaves or mow lawns, so I may as well plow snow to earn money to support my drinking, drug, and wife-beating habits."

I hate delivering to a stop where there are landscapers present.  They have no parking ability whatsoever.  They take up both lanes and drive around on their mowers, weaving in and out of the road, expecting someone like me to not hit them.  If I wouldnt get fired I totally would.  Just crank up the radio, stick the truck in 4th gear, and just plow right over that cut-off-sleeve shirt wearing freak. 

These guys almost always have something "funny" to say to me when I walk up to deliever the package.  I dont laugh.  I dont even crack a smile.  Usually the reference my uniform.  Yes sir, I get it, my shorts are very short, and I know I look like pinnochio in my uniform.

Its ok though, I always respond with the same thing. 

Landscaper:  "Hah, nice shorts"
Me:  "Hah, nice paycheck"  [Nice life too pal, I'm sure your wife and kids love you coming home, smelling like dogshit, and covered in beer, sweat, and semen.  I may look like a tool, but I have benefits that involve more than a 30 rack of Miller High Life and handjob from the Brazillian your boss hired for 70 cents a day.]  Man I wish I had the balls to say that.

That, my friends, is a list of the top three "worst of the worst" people I deal with day-to-day.  I hope that if you are one of these people, or know someone who is like this, you encourage them to bungee jump without a rope, or just tell them to respect the UPS guy.  Either one would make me smile.

Stay tuned as we will take an adventure into the world of Sex Toys and the wonderful shitstorm that is Brockton in upcoming posts.  Hope you enjoy, and as always, comments and suggestions are welcome!