At My Peak Performance

Hello people.  I understand that its been quite some time since my last post, but hey, I'm a busy guy.  I do however thank you for your patience and without further due, lets get to the garbage, disgusting humor, and flat out debauchery that is this blog...

As many of you know, I become completely MIA from Thanksgiving through Christmas Eve.  This is because people do not go to malls, or stores any more.  Nope.  They are lazy, and order things by a click of a mouse, spending thousands of dollars on bullshit items that have made companies like Amazon filthy rich, and UPS drivers like me, completely miserable.

I could bore you with my "stats" from peak season.  But to save the boring stuff you dont give a shit about, I'll just say roughly, I delivered over 5000 stops, and well over 100000 packages over the course of the one month.  I ran over 2 squirrels, 1 chipmunk, as well as 1 unidentified animal, which very well could have been an infant child....I can only hope.  And I had no sexual relations with any MILFs on my route.  Shit. Topps should make collector cards with pics and stats of UPS guys, that would be awesome...or lame.  Dont judge me.  Sure beats the hell out of Pokemon cards though, no?

I know its been a month or so since my last post, so I have a LOT to rant about, so much in fact that I do not even know where to start.  But, I will say, out of all the notes I have compiled, nothing stands out more than my complete and utter hatred for kids between the ages of 0 and 22.  So that's where we will begin...

Kids generally rank into one of three groups.  The show-offs, the shitheads, and the ones who will probably shoot up a school.

One such incident occurred while I was making a delivery involving a show-off.  You know, "Mom, look, MOM LOOK, MOMMMMMMM!"  Shut the hell up kid!  No one gives a shit that you can shoot a basketball (and miss), ride a razor scooter, or operate a hula hoop.

Anyways, I was approaching a house on my route, and next door there was a woman chatting with a guy, probably her neighbor, or guy she bangs while her husband is at work.  Her kid, was riding a bike around in circles, demanding attention from his mother.  She, like me, could give a shit that her son could ride a bike.  So, of course, he continues screaming for her to watch, until finally she succumbs .  "Mom watchhhh!!!"  Seconds after she says "Ok, go!", the kid hits the curb, and absolutely FACEPLANTS onto the sidewalk....awesome.  I'm assuming he broke his face.  But you could barely hear his screams of agony because it was muffled by my extreme laughter from across the street.  The woman, glares at me as if to say, I want you in my bedroom right now.   Kidding, she wanted me to die for mocking her kid.  Show-off.....

Shitheads come in all shapes and sizes.  Most are just sitting in plain sight and almost always will do something so idiotic to bring out their true colors.  I passed what appeared to be two innocent children building a snow fort outside of their house one day as I drove down a dead end street to make a delivery.  They waved as I passed, and I flipped them off.  Kidding, I ignored them.  Kidding again, I flipped them off.  I made my delivery and as I returned to the end of the street, I got absolutely lit up with snowballs.  Me, my truck, everything....assholes!  So what did I do?  Did I drive out of the street and continue on my way?  Hell no.  I exited my truck, grabbed 2 fist fulls of ice from the berm of the street and fired back.  The kids thought it was hysterical and we were all having a great time...until I drilled one of them in the face.  He cried.....pussy.  I, however, laughed hysterically and took off down the street.  Maybe next time they'll fuck with a FedEx guy instead...

We all do it.  Even though we'd rather not.  We all at one point or another have entered a 7/11 and made a purchase.  I know, I feel like I need to shower after I leave there too, but we all have to do it sometimes.  But anyways, that's neither here nor there.  What 7/11 ACTUALLY is, is its a breeding ground for every "lost" pre-teen and teenager on the planet.  They hang out at 7/11, usually trying to get people to buy them cigarettes, or just loitering attempting to be the next Tony Hawk skateboard king.  The fact is this, they are the shit of the earth.  One kid asked me to buy him a pack of "Mahhhb Reds".  I think this is moron talk for "Marlboro" cigarettes.  You can always trust the UPS guy, right?  So the kid hands me a $20 and I enter the store.  I buy a 32 oz. Gatorade, a $10 scratch ticket, and a Snickers bar.  Oops, I forgot his smokes!  So, I exit the store and get into my truck, smirking as I pass the future school shooters.  "Hey!  What about my cigarettes!?"  I just thanked him for saving me some cash and took off. I saw what appeared to be a middle finger in a fishnet glove aimed in my direction, the black finger polish is what gave it away...

Til next time folks, I hope you enjoyed today's rhetoric.  In the future we will discuss sex toys!  As well as the fun topics of alcoholism, dogs, MILFs of course, and oh, Hootie and the Blowfish!  I promise less time in between blogs, now that I actually have time in between work, video games, beer, and the occasional sexual encounter (usually involving just myself).

Fin.